"You stopped the wolf from coming out. I saw it."
"But I couldn't look at you. I mean, it turns out, the one thing that brings it out of me is you. Which falls under the heading of ironic in my book."
"It was my fault. I upset you."
"So, we're safe then, 'cause you'll never do that again."
"But you're happy?"
"I am. I can't explain it..."
"It may be safer for both of us if you don't."
"I feel like some part of me will always be waiting for you. Like if I'm old and blue-haired, and I turn the corner in Istanbul, and there you are, I won't be surprised... because you're with me, you know?"
"I know. But now is not that time, I guess."
-Oz and Willow, "New Moon Rising"
So as most of you know, I spent the last ten days in Houston, Texas. The Lone Star State. Cattle country. The Deep, Deep South. And let me say this right now - Albertans may think they know their beef, but they have nothing on Texas. Texas Porterhouse steaks are some of the biggest and meanest motherfuckers you will ever see, and they're damn proud of their longhorns.
Texas, in particular the city of Houston, is hot, muggy, messy, dirty, and full of people milling around doing a million things at once. They scuttle around in their cars and big-ass trucks like cockroaches (which, thankfully, we do NOT have up here in Alberta,), and there are a million different sights and sounds and tastes and smells on the air, so much that the city itself is infused with life while at the same time exemplifying the laid-back, hospitable style of living Texas is famous for. It incorporates ranchhouse, Tex Mex and beach culture all in one, and Texans are proud of their long and diverse heritage, which is unique to all of the United States of America. Who else can say they were at one point their own Republic?
Getting to the point of my visit, I've been meaning to visit Texas for awhile now. I have a very special friend who has wanted me there for years. I'm sorry in a way that it took me so long, but I haven't really been in the right place until now.... socially, financially, emotionally. I felt that now was the time. Until now, I just haven't been ready.
The first part of the week was hard. I remember that I barely slept all of Thursday night, and Friday's flight seemed to drag on forever. I was going to Houston! I couldn't watch movies, I couldn't read, I couldn't do anything. All I could think about was getting there. I watched out the window the entire time, looking for a huge cluster of houses and buildings and skyscrapers that would tell me I had arrived. My heart lept the moment the plane touched down. Landfall. OMG.
I think when we have such high expectations, reality always falls somewhat short. It's one thing to imagine what being in a huge city like that might be like, it's another to be there and sit in the back of the car listening to two veterans chatter a mile a minute in their native habitat. It wasn't a bad thing, I just felt out of place suddenly. Not unpleasant. Not really. More like.... "what do I say that doesn't sound completely redundant?"
Friday night was fun though. Except for that one thing. Person. She itched on me, like a prickle on the back of my neck. I'm not stupid. Most people tell me I'm pretty perceptive. I know chemistry between two people when I see it. When it's there, and when it's absent.
I won't name this person, but I will say I hated the fact that I liked her, that she was really nice to me, and that I wanted to wring her fucking neck because she had more of his attention than I did. When they weren't together, they were texting. They went in, they danced. They talked about Jeffree Star. What could I say? I've certainly never met the man. I'm not that special. What could I contribute to any of their conversation?
Thank god for Sara. I love Sara. She's pushy and overbearing and fun and hilarious and sweet and smart in that way that she loves to talk, but knows exactly what she's saying. She at least took an interest in where I was from, and she knew almost nothing about me, so we had a lot to talk about. Then things picked up. I felt better. I had fun.
But it nagged at me. I tried not to think about it. But I think he knows me too well. He knows when I'm bothered, and when I'm trying to hide it. And it bothers him. He wanted to make the visit count. He truly wanted me to have a good time.
The whole week was full of ups and downs. I really loved Texas, and I could even stand the awful humidity, but I cried a lot. I was starting to feel like a nuisance, like a tag-along. I could tell I was getting on his nerves, and it bothered me, which bothered him. I tried talking to him about it, but I'm terrible at talking about anything like that. Or at least initiating the conversation. I felt awkward, lame, and a couple of times I wondered if things would be better if I just disappeared with my tail between my legs.
I think the worst part of the week was.... Tuesday. I think it was Tuesday. Maybe Wednesday. The intense conversation wasn't so bad, and it actually made a lot of sense. But after that, the biting, short, clipped, and hurtful responses... those were hard to take. What did I do to deserve them? Hadn't I apologized enough? I felt like I was beginning to realize that it would never be enough, that all of what I have worked for in the past few years was going to mean nothing, and that, more than anything, filled me with unbearable sadness. I worked so hard. I was understanding. I was caring, I gave him space when he wanted it. I was there when he needed me to be.
It wasn't enough.
I also realized that my focus was all wrong, and it would never be enough. I realized i needed to deal with that when I got home, but for now I just wanted to enjoy the rest of the trip, stop trying to talk about everything because he just didn't want to. So i called someone else, a friend who has been there for me in all those real ways when my closest friend isn't available to talk to. I felt better after that, although I still got a bruise on my forehead for my trouble. Don't ask, 'cause I won't tell.
I thought it was over. I thought.... I'm never going to mend this relationship now. So I gave up trying. What could I do that I hadn't already done?
But he wasn't finished surprising me. I should have known better. He apologized. Or at least, as close to an apology as I was getting, under the circumstances. I took it for what it was worth. I believed he was really trying to make this work, at least keep the entire trip from being a total disaster.
The second part of the week was better. At least more open, and we were talking. Sort of. I still felt a deep, biting jealousy whenever I heard his little phone make that text sound, especially since I had no one to talk to. My phone wasn't recieving text messages over there, for.... strange Houston reasons, no doubt. The only place I could get them was Uptown, and at the airport.
My jealousy is something I know I need to get under control, as is my desire to know everything about everyone.
We didn't go to San Antonio. That was ok. I think we got a fair bit done in that short trip, in spite of you being tired and sick and us being.... weird. But I'm glad. I'm glad we got to talk. I'm glad we took some pictures. I'm glad you tried to make me feel welcome, like I was wanted when I know you mostly just wanted your space. I'm grateful. I really am.
Now whenever you mention Numbers, I'll know what you're talking about.
I'll never forget Galveston, even though it was cloudy and overcast.
The food was amazing, but maybe that was just you. You always have good taste.
And I finally, finally get all those Venture Brothers jokes.
I'm sorry you're sick. I want you to feel better. And I don't just mean the cold.
I like Sara and Phillip. A lot. I even, grudgingly, sort of, maybe might like.... that other girl.
I want you to talk to me whenever you need to. I'm always here, and my ears are always open.
If you ever change your mind, you know I'll drop everything and come running to you in a heartbeat.
Pirate Karaoke was the best fucking thing ever. Period.
And that last night? It was probably the sweetest thing anyone's ever done for me. Ever. You have no idea how special you made me feel. (And you looked amazing. Really.)
Even the teary goodbye meant the world to me.
Now I'm home, tired, but I feel....
.... good.
And I'm glad.
I promise not to try not to fuck with your mind
I promise not to mind if you go your way, and i go mine
I promise not to lie if I'm looking you straight in the eye
I promise not to try not to let you down.
-Eve 6, Promise
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nostalgic
geeky
artistic
bouncy
relieved
Jittery
blank
lonely
annoyed